Chaos
I’ve spent the majority of my life fighting. Fighting with my significant other, fighting with my family. Running away from the toxic traits that I could so clearly see from a young age. Trying to get away from the unstable feelings and emotions. I wanted to be as far away from the environment that shaped me as possible. I’ve spent my days trying to climb out of this state of chaos, searching for peace. I’ve read books, done yoga, and attempted meditation (without success, I should add).
At some point, I realized that the chaos was inside of me and that to truly get away from it I needed to form a certain mindset. Thicker skin and a tougher mental state.
It became clear to me that the way I responded to certain people and situations was what created the chaos within me.
I couldn’t figure out if it was the people I chose to be in my life or if it was me.
I continued to read books and listen to podcasts and listen to the people who had been there before me and knew what to do and how to handle it. Then I started to realize that it was me, that I was in charge of how I feel and what I think.
That my triggers will cause me to go back to that state of chaos.
Those few times that my life seems peaceful, I can feel myself becoming antsy. Restless almost, like I can’t ever just sit down and relax. I almost feel as though I always have to be ready to run or fight. On my toes…
Here is the kicker, once you learn something in life you sometimes unlearn it and need to relearn it. I know sounds silly, but think about it. Why do we attract the same type of people in relationships when they don’t seem to work out? I believe it’s because you haven’t learned the lesson yet. I read or heard somewhere that the universe will continue to give you the same lesson until you learn what you need from it. It will show up in your lifetime after time in different ways until you learn from it.
They also say that god doesn’t give you anything that you can’t handle. I feel that statement is way overused, but people believe it. I like to think that we are given certain situations because we are meant to help others or do something about it. That it can spark something within us enough to get us out of our beds in the morning. I think that is important.
Life doesn’t care how old you are or what you have accomplished over time. Life will always life you and throw situations at you regardless of where you are at in it. It boils down to how you react to it and what you do with it once you are through it.
