Do-It-Myself-Girl
How it really feels
I’m on my second glass of wine and maybe I shouldn’t write and post, this or maybe I should, who really cares?
I’ve never been considered the girly girl. Ever. There was never a point in my life where the guys looked at me like I was helpless and needed a hand. I was the Do-It-Myself-Girl. That “do it yourself” attitude carried with me to today and probably will forever exist throughout my life. I’m slowly coming to terms with that. But I’m married now so why should any of that matter? It shouldn’t.
Society makes it seem like if you aren’t this particular type of person, you can’t be happy. So because I’m not the most girly of girls my love life/marriage will be insignificant to others. And no, I don’t give a shit about others think of my love life and relationships. But it’s more than that. It’s like a fear of missing out on something. It sounds so stupid. That’s the best way I can explain it.
I absolutely love my husband. I don’t have a doubt in my mind that he loves me. We have already been through a lot over the past 6 years, including a quick separation. So these statements have valid facts behind them. Even with all that we have been through, and the love that exists between us, I can’t help but think I should be more girly. I bought a bunch of makeup since quarantine and watched tons of YouTube videos to learn how to apply it properly. I did in fact learn some neat tricks that I use, but I still feel like the same Sarah. Not more girly, not any prettier.
See but the word “girly” itself in my mind brings up dainty, small, soft spoken, submissive even. I’m none of those things. I’m loud at times. I’m oblivious at times. I’m sloppy, I’m a tom boy. I played with mud pies in the front yard with my best friend growing up as a kid, fast forward to today where my normal routine is to wear a t-shirt and jeans with no makeup. For some reason this tom boy feeling is more than just a feeling. It’s how I feel everyday. Sometimes I don’t know if I should change it or if I should just accept it. As if accepting it were that easy, I wouldn’t be writing this blog right now. I would simply decide not to feel this way anymore. But it’s not that easy, this is something I have always struggled with and probably deep down will always struggle with. It’s up to me if I let it totally take over my thoughts and my self confidence or if I just let it go.
To dive deeper, I think about how the dainty small blonde-haired girls with blue eyes are the ones that the guys sing about in country songs. And I love country music, so you can imagine how sad it can be for a girl to hear these amazing love songs and know that they will never be about her. I’m not saying this to spark any race arguments, I’m merely stating how I feel. I grew up in an all white family, so in my eyes white was really the only color I paid attention to. Which is terrible to say, yes I know.
When you are a kid you don’t know any better, and then you become an adult and those ideas and thoughts can stick with you through your adult life. They can play out in your life in ways you don’t really see, but someone from another life and point of view will see immediately. I believe that everything you experience, good and bad, play a role in your life today. It explains why you like a certain movie or why you wear your hair a certain way. It all has a deeper meaning. Whether you are conscious or unconscious of it, everything you do stems from something else. Always.
