Mourning the girl that i could have been

I had to learn to let go of a person that I never met.

I had to say goodbye to the life that I would never have.

I had to come to grips with the idea of that person living that life was never going to be me.

I didn’t realize until now that everything I had been doing in life was to prove something to myself or everyone around me that I’m not a loss cause. That I’m not a waste of a life. Everything that I’ve been doing was to prove that I can still be something…successful, anything!

See I don’t know about you but for me, certain things happened in my life that utterly changed the trajectory. I feel that we all have those events that take place completely out of our control. Some worse than others but the overall fact is the same…if that wouldn’t have happened your life would be on a different path.

For me it was a major event followed by a few little events that have led me to this path that I’m on today. Now years have passed and days have gone by so eventually you get to a point where you are just living, going through your day to day motions and you are here.

I decided that I’m taking a step back to allow myself to grief that person that I could have been and am not. I need to release this grip that I had still on that girl. I’m not going to be her ever and that’s ok. I would have had a great life and I would maybe have both of my parents there for me in that version of my life, but I also wouldn’t know the things I know now about life at the ripe age of 28. I’m letting her go because recently I found myself seeking for a chance to prove that I’m still her, she’s still inside of my to some degree….I sound so silly thinking that way though. I’m better than that 17 year old girl. A more sculpted version of her. I realized that as a human it’s in our DNA to seek that approval from our surroundings and the people in our lives.

I also realize that I’m in charge of deciding who I let approve or disapprove of me and my actions and my life. I’m in charge of making the choices that will keep me on the path I’m on or direct me to another path. It’s just me. It’s all me.

So I’m letting go of that version of me, whether she graduated from a university and played college ball, Whether she went to become a doctor and save lives, Whether she had both her parents for her at her college graduation, Whether she was the girl who was sexually abused as a kid, Whether she had her heart broken by that boy, or Whether she did the heart breaking. I’m letting her go because it’s time to move on and fully live the life that I do have in front of me.

It’s ok to change paths. To chose different things and to change your mind all over again. Life is kind of beautiful in that fact because you can change your mind a million times about where you want to go or who you want to be and things will be ok. Life will work itself out, it will bend and turn the way you manipulate it to go.