There has never been room in my life for me to take the time to feel my feelings.
For the first time at 30 years old I’m feeling my feelings…….and fuck this shit. You think it’s hardcore taking a tequila shot to the face? try dealing with with your emotions sober. I mean try going through a divorce when your ex literally is going back on his word and you are deadass sober. You want to drink but your trying not to.
I have never had the option to allow myself to feel sad for even a moment, feel sad that I experienced sexual abuse as a child. Or to feel sad that my dad passed away when I needed him most. Or sad that I have always had to be the responsible one in the group and relationships I have had. Or the anger about all of it. I have never allowed myself the space to really talk about and recognize that I have had to do a lot of growing up before I should of to protect myself and that those coping mechanisms have become my personality be default.
I’m at a point where I now do not need these coping mechanisms and that I do not need to withdraw or hold back my feelings to protect myself anymore. It’s almost like the covers have been ripped off and I’m exposed. So now I’m trying to figure out who I am when I’m not making myself or my feelings smaller than everyone around me. I’m learning who I am without all the damage….I’m reconfiguring my character without hiding what I feel, what I like and don’t like.
I didn’t think that it was something that would change. I thought well this is who I am, but it’s not. This is who I am because of what has happened to me in my life. You don’t know what you don’t know right? Your brain does it’s best to protect you by doing what it can in the moment. Then over time it becomes the comfort response…the brain truly is the most incredible part of humans.
I’m in this very uncomfortable spot in my life right now. I’m not really loving what I’m doing, I’m working towards a goal but I’m kind scared of I achieve it. I’m living in an uncomfortable environment trying to keep my sanity by working out, eating right and reading. I’m not really sure if anyone around me cares for me or if it’s all a fake to get what they want out of me. Use me up like everyone else in my life.
As uncomfortable as it feels there is a hint of excitement because I’m finally free to make the choices I want to make. I can do what I please, no one to answer to. I do not have to seek validation from anyone outside of me. As uncomfortable as I may be it’s because for the first time in my life I am living my life for me to the fullest extent possible and that my friend feels pretty damn good.