How many thoughts are normal? How many are too many? At what point do you say “okay, I need help.”
I remember as early as 12 having thoughts of not being around anymore. I thought things would be easier if I wasn’t here. At 12 typically you’re too young to know how to go about it though.
The next time I vividly remember thinking similar thoughts was at 17, when my dad passed. My entire world was flipped and I didn’t know how to deal with it, so in typical teenage anger I acted out by drinking and driving and other reckless behaviors. It’s truly amazing I’m still here to tell the stories.
For the next 4–5 years I battled with thoughts of suicide and depression. I mean when I was happy I was happy and when I was sad I was sad. It was a constant roller coaster of being low and depressed and making stupid decisions. Then on the flip side being happy and making smart moves and being responsible.
Here I am at 30 still battling similar thoughts. Life is hard no matter who you are or where you come from. I didn’t ask for the things that have happened to me to happen, I didn’t ask for the strength to get through them either. I didn’t want to be resilient, I didn’t want to be strong or tough. I want it to be easy, I want to not have dark thoughts. I don’t want to cry myself to sleep more often then not. I don’t know how else to put it.
In the past I have found some peace in sharing some of my deep thoughts, never this deep. It helped then so I thought why not go all out and share the darkest of thoughts because maybe, just maybe it could help someone else.
I have zero idea why I’m here on this earth but here I am, taking the punches one day at a time.