Where you come from.

Photo by Oskar Smethurst on Unsplash

My mother is an alcoholic. Flat out, took me until 29 to say it out loud but there it is. If you grew up with an alcoholic parent you know what that means. It may be similar for you, what you had to deal with depending on what type of alcoholic your parent was. Yes, there are different types of alcoholics. My mom was the drink every day but heavy at night type. Sometimes coming home tripping up the steps or worse falling down the basement stairs. Never mean to me that I can recall, mean to my brother. She drank just because.

I mean I have never asked her why she drinks because I’m not at that place in therapy yet. I know now that she was sad. She still is, she’s dealt with a lot of loss and I can’t imagine what it would be like to live her life. I had to leave at a young age because even I knew it was a toxic environment.

On top of that, from my time spent in therapy, I found that my childhood was not a safe environment. I spent the majority of my time in fight, flight, or freeze mode. All the time when at home. My dad was never there and then my parents divorced, my brother acted out all the time. He got into fights, in and out of jail. So out of fear I was never at home, I was always out doing something sports, friends anything I could.

I use to think that I wasn’t meant to be happy or have the things that I wanted out of life. I use to think that I didn’t deserve it. Maybe it was because of guilt. Maybe I didn’t have it so bad because I didn’t get hit by my mom when she was drunk and some kids did.

2021 made me realize that I have to get out of that thought process because it’s not going to elevate me to the next level. My therapist told me to do the things that make me feel good when I am feeling bad. So for me, when I felt bad, I would drink, which would only make me feel worse at the end of the night. One day I said I’m going for a jog instead of reaching for the wine bottle. It worked, not saying that will cure everything, but it helps fight that urge to do something. Anything. I have to move or I get paralyzed by the defeat. There are still days that I would reach for the wine because some days it’s ok, not every day though.

I have learned through time and meeting people and talking about real life that my home life was quite different than a lot of others. That is ok, it honestly is what shaped me to be the person that I am today. I’m not a millionaire with a dream life but I’m the average person that proves that you can create a different life other than the type of life that you were raised in. You can create a different environment. I started writing at 12 years old. I think it’s safe to say that my writing has definitely changed since that 12 year-old girl who started. I found a safe place in writing down my thoughts and just getting it out of my system. Almost like purging my thoughts. A place where no one can go unless I allow them.

Meeting people and hearing different experiences helped me shape what I wanted my future to be like today. People and relationships are the key to life. You don’t know what you don’t know. Your world is only so big. Sometimes you have to get out of that bubble to really be able to see the whole picture. I have always kind of known what it was that I wanted. Pretty much every time in my life that I have been faced with making a decision I have known deep down what I wanted and which decision will help me get there. They say that when you know what your purpose is that life will lay the path for you and you just have to follow and do what you feel draws you to it.

Every time I have made a big jump, it has ultimately turned out great. Scary and unnerving at first yes but also exciting and such an adrenaline rush.

We may not choose where we come from but we sure as hell get to choose where we are going and that my friend seems like a fair trade.

Anyways, I started off with something else in mind to write about, and along the way it just kind of drifted, Thanks for reading!

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